"If This Is The Last Day Of Your Life, Is This How You Would Like To Spend It?"

— Arundhati Roy, The God of Small Things

"I'm scared." Looking up at the night sky, trying not to fall apart.

I felt him scoot closer to me.

"Scared of what?"

I hesitated for a moment.

" I... I'm scared of the thought that this might be the last time I'll be making coffee for my Dad, the last time I'll iron and fold his clothes. I'm scared of the thought of his heart breaking when I'm not here anymore.

I'm so scared that I feel like I won't be able to witness the sun shine again, that today might be my last day."

I said looking down at my shaking hands, suddenly ashamed of my revelation.

But his next words gave my heart a sense of something foreign...Hope.

" You're scared.

Isn't that enough reason to stay?"

-H.Asteid

"Trust me on this. After a millisecond in the middle of the highway or free falling in midair or after kicking the chair or when your lungs are already filled with water, only then will you realize that death isn't what you wanted, that you just want to be genuinely happy again. But it would be too late. It would all be too late."

-H.Asteid

" And If I could only keep from death, I would."

-H.Asteid

15 more seconds before midnight

I'm sitting here, staring at my phone

Thinking how to hit your phone up

Should I text you or hit the caller icon?

It's been a year since we last talked

Today, it's like my mind keeps drifting back into the memories you engraved in my heart a year ago

The Good morning texts

The later night conversations

How often we quarrel over what "we" really are

The time you told me

" I love you but I can't keep your heart."

It shattered me.

You were scared just as I was

But I never gave up on us

Sent you sonnets everyday

Sang you lullabies at night

Showed you my scars

For you, I turned myself inside out.

Still, my everything wasn't enough.

You came with the smile of October then left me alone with the gloomy November.

You left.

You left without a goodbye.

I tried to run after you in the dark

I called your name several times

On my knees, I fell to the ground

You're already gone

You're already gone.

15 more seconds before midnight

With tears in my eyes,

I put my phone down

And whispered into the void

" Happy birthday, I'm letting you go now."

-H.Asteid ,10-22

"Go and wander my love

See the world and reach your dreams

Because if we're really meant to be,

God will ALWAYS gravitate you back to me."

-H.Asteid

How many more sonnets do you I have to write for you?

How many more steps to do I have to take to get to you?

You see, I'm running out of ink

And it's like my knees are about to give in

But I kept writing

I kept walking

Coz honey, you're inked in my mind like a tattoo

You're like the cups of coffee I consume

Cup after cup after cup

Still, I can't get enough

I can't stop!

I can swim, Believe me I can swim

But my heart seems to be so fascinated with your depths

That it doesn't mind getting drowned in it.

But you won't let me in.

You'd leave your door slightly ajar then you'd slam it on my face,

You'd pull me close then you'd pull away

You have me wrapped around your thumb

That when you ever you needed a hit, I'll be your drug.

It's insane! I mean...

I think it's the other way around

You.

You are my drug.

Your love's my addiction

But the way it's consuming me right now,

Tells me...

That you are both my sweet salvation and also, the road that would lead to my own destruction.

- H. Asteid, One-sided Sonnet

" She's like a closed book hiding on the farthest part of a shelf, tightly hugging herself , Afraid that someone might ruin her pages again."

- H.Asteid, Ruined Pages

A Winter Tragedy

Amidst the tragedy of it all, the snow fell over our darkest sins, in haunting words I confess to my psychiatrist.   I was as pure as the winter snow, beautiful and cold, a masterpiece he desired but now I am merely a ghost. Trapped beneath the floorboards that bellow and breathe, behind locked doors listening to demons he talks to in his sleep.

© October, 2020  Kathlene

I was born with reds and violets tattooed on my stomach, shards of glass in my eyes and scars on my back. I never really knew how to talk in a velvety voice or hold flowers in my hands without crushing them in the process. The love introduced to me isn't the kind of love that'd wish you sweet dreams. The love I've known brought me nightmares with me crying, laughing at my fallen tooth on the carpet.

So please be patient with me. I'm still learning not to destroy the things I love.

---H.Asteid🍁