"hey How Are You?" My Insides Are Being Scraped Out With Pottery Tools And I Am About To Throw Up On

whenever a song says "carry on" i hear "carrion" and then i start thinking about vultures

"ohhh this strange beast drains the blood of it's victims and looks like a big cat" listen im just down to believe in cryptids as the next guy, more even, but thats the description of so many "strange beasts that couldn't be any known species" at this point and not enough people are addressing the fact that BIG CATS TEND TO GO FOR THROATS, WHEN YOU PEIRCE A THROAT IT TENDS TO DRAIN BLOOD VERY FAST!!!!

^!!!!!!!

also unrelated but i love the word exsanguination, one of my favourite words of all time, along with chutzpah and pizzazz

"the internet is so big, all the information in the world is at your fingertips" yeah except for the information i am looking for such as "whats the normal amount of joint pain at my age". at least i can look at photos of creatures

i reakon if you stabbed me with a guitar lead and plugged the other end into an amp i could make some pretty funky sounds

cant moan in pain anymore, because of woke. now a guy has to writhe silently

why did we make moaning sexual....can a guy not writhe in pain in peace....

One time, I had an English professor tell me I should stop using my inhaler because it was bad for the environment.

Yeah an if you dropped dead it would significantly reduce your carbon footprint too, huh. What if we ALL just stopped breathing. Can’t be throwing fistfuls of plastic fuckin straws directly into the South Pacific when you got a BPM of zilch, can you? What a fuckin innovator. Was he head of your nation’s EPA *directly* before he retired to become world’s youngest baseline edgelord 4chan ass 14 year old boy with tenure, or did he wait for his 3rd consecutive Nobel peace prize before giving someone else a chance? Ask him if his back hurts from carrying the weight of all the world’s most pressing concerns to and from Chuck E Cheese each night or if his tiny spiny propellor hat lightens the load a bit. Did his big red clown nose come standard with his tweed set or he spring for the premium model with the biodegradeable sustainable foam and the super-boosted honk-honk action? Are his size 23 clown bitch oxfords custom? Does he take one off to use as a canoe on his annual vacations to his summer home in the balmy and tropical shit fuck dumbass islands or does he just levitate everywhere he goes by the power of his unparalleled Xmen level intellect. Can you ask him if Magneto is gonna spare the human race to run laps in his hamster wheel electrical generator complex or if he’s just gonna wipe us all the fuck out for the carbon tax credit. Ask him if the weight of his gigantic balls dragging in the ground behind him everywhere he goes adds to the mileage on his Tesla. When he wipes his ass does he use single ply to save the trees or just a fistful of baby ducklings that he can then gently bathe by hand with water collected by the rain barrel in the endangered orchid garden by the solarium on the west side of his sprawling villa, the one he bought when he sold the patent for the perpetual motion motion machine he built out of toothpicks and marshmallows in third grade before the obvious intellectual gap between himself and the rest of us bumbling simpletons weighed him down and killed his passion to create. What other wisdom has he yet to share with the world? What other knowledge that only he and my reiki-healing essential-oil-drinking violet-aura neighbour know that may benefit us all? Holy shit, have I been drinking WATER my whole life? That shit that whales live in? Guess I’ll just go lay in a hole out back and wait for the compost heap to take me. Should I confess my sins to Captain Planet first, so he may redeem my wicked soul in the true Eco Catholic way, or was that recyclable soda can I threw in the trash downtown at last year’s garlic bread festival because there were no recycling bins provided the final straw that made me unworthy of glorious green salvation? BRB, gotta go strip naked and flagellate myself before the begonias so that they may know the depth of my remorse. Don’t worry, I only buy locally-sourced hemp lashes produced by small home businesses at the farmer’s market, they have a three-for-two sale on Sundays if you bring your own reusable bag. Christ on a fucking cupcake

YEAH THERE IS AND IT'S A BABY!!!!!! :( A SMALL FRIEND!!!!

it is normal and healthy to cry over the first live colossal squid footage

things that are like "symptoms: depression" how tf am i supposed to know how i feel bro

I like my men like i like my coffee: mysterious omens of disaster that will kill you in high dosage

terrible news for the bitches who hate me, i got my blood test back and i officially don't have lead poisoning.

bitches hate me bc i enjoy a nice glass of cold milk. also unrelated but i might have lead poisoning.