Also Side Note: Fuck Shia Lebouf Btw

My friends gift to me a glimmer of hope occasionally; and when they do, all I can think about is how badly I want to see and know the adult versions of them. I think about how nice it would be to have an extra room, or maybe a pullout couch, at the disposal of any friend looking for a warm bed and an ear to listen. I think about them coming to my house just to ask for a cigarette, and to talk about their troubles while we sit on the porch. I think about how I’ll attend (and cry at) their weddings, and I think about how I’ll be with them through messy breakups, and all the inbetweens. I think about how I’ll have their favorite snacks in my cupboard, and how I’ll make sure there’s always an extra toothbrush for them. I think about how I’ll have toys stored away for their potential kids when they visit, and I think about how I’ll get to watch all of us grow up.

I often times think the only thing stopping me from ending it is fear, but I think a little harder about the people I love, and suddenly it feels like my heart is trying to claw through my chest, and grasp onto any hope for the future.

I want to be there to love those around me until I can no longer leave my bed, and my last breaths are be spent cherishing their names.

a belief i hold with fervor is that there is no collective “best” of anything, it’s all objective.

obviously some things can be measured by their success, or efficiency, or attraction, but the idea of greatness, or first place, is completely objective. everyone will hold different things to different standards.

i say all of this because i think most people who love believe that their love interests are the most divine humans on the planet, and i don’t think they’re wrong.

i think a bunch of people can be the most divine people on the planet if they’re just considered the “most” divine by one person, because love has no rules and we’re all in our own conscience anyway.

moral of the story is that everything and everyone is uniquely significant and loved among every individual and i think that’s beautiful, and if something is “the best” to you then it just is the best. because it’s you, and your life type shit

i am being too much and i am scared and i have never wanted to pull away more in my life. i know it’s just self sabotage but i’m so so scared

you can’t outrun grief no matter how hard you try you can’t outrun grief no matter how hard you try you can’t outrun grief no matter how hard you try you can’t outrun grief no matter how hard you try you can’t outrun grief no matter how hard you try you can’t outrun grief no matter how hard you try

this and everyone asked about you

Pretty village, Norway

My birthday makes me quite sad and I wish it didn’t cuz I’m lowkey crashing my own party

Värmland, Sweden (December 22, 2023).

I don’t know if people actually read my posts anymore but I apologize to those who do