Nvm I'm Feeling Like Shit Right Now.

well, mom now knows about the scars on my upper arm (which are deep styros and barely baby beans) and oh yay.

she seems these as "too far" (she thinks some should've had stitches. like no? they weren't deep enough for that)

i had to explain to her that I don't care how this affects others (like, you're not being physically cut into so like, why should it matter how it affects you? emotionally? try again, I don't care about that)

I had to "promise" not to do that deep again (I will) <-but will have to be careful because I dont want to be strip-searched.

downside, I have some deep ones on my forearm and near wrist that she doesn't know (that might cause a strip-search if she sees those, which fucks me over because my thighs are the worst place)

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i feel so bad to the point I wanna cut

also cry, but I can't cry so I'll just sit feeling like this

wonder how he'd feel if he knew and saw the extent of my cutting and scars.

he should leave me. i don't want to be cared about. (he doesn't care about me anyways, made that clear)

I swear so much has happened these last 3 days that nothing feels real, and it's not even bad stuff, just very eventful days and it's leaving me very floaty and confused

it feels like I haven't stopped to take a break or take in anything fully

i’m such a “i want your attention” but “won’t bother you” kinda person

I love how I even told him of how much I've been trying to die and failing lately. and all he has to say is "mm.."

im getting so fucking upset I'm about to look for attention in the wrong people and places again.

my range of emotions go from “it’s scary how much i feel” to “it’s scary how much i don’t feel”