Emptyspaxes - Bisho

Big mood

i want to talk about the ~feeling~ of making art, forever. drawing these kinda lines is very soothing to me. what it looks like is not as important as the process. that’s why kids are the best artists because they don’t overthink it and just make. they don’t usually ask for an eraser when they want to draw and they’re not building up a whole image in their head before they even start. they’re in the moment, as honest as possible

I want a mommy too

I thought becoming a mother would heal me

Although my son’s tender cuddles do warm me

It does not console my inner lonely child

I thought having a good mother in law could do

Although her support and strength inspire me

Her presence isn’t soothing to my brokenness

I’ve tried to fill this void in many ways

Yet I find myself having to accept the absence

Of a mother who is unconditionally there

A mother who knows me because she is me

A mother who loves me because I am hers

A mother who doesn’t judge and just shows up

A mother who feeds me without me asking

I’ve met many wonderful mothers who love me

They say they feel motherly towards me

They say they see me as another daughter

But I can feel the distance

And it’s not because they don’t love me

And it’s not because they don’t mean their words

It’s only because no one can love you like yours

I tried so many times to get mine to love me

Despite her illness and despite her toxicity

But she has no love to give

She has no capacity to take any responsibility

She can’t fill the void for she is a void herself

She has no warmth even for herself

She only takes from others

She forced me to not only be motherless

But to give her motherly love

And I wonder

If I’ve lived other lives

Did I have good mothers?

Because this lonely feeling has always felt familiar

As a little girl, it felt fitting to be alone

The abuse and neglect didn’t feel so shocking

And oh the despair, to feel fated to this

To feel like there’s no place to flee this

This desperate feeling

This dreadful feeling

This deafening feeling

That this kind of love I yearn for just isn’t for me

-PF

"Everyone's a little bit autistic"

Some people have cancer, which is abnormal cell growth.

Everyone has freckles/moles/skin-tags/etc, which are also abnormal cell growth.

So does "everyone have a little bit of cancer"?

Or does that detract from the very real struggles of people who actually have cancer?

Why is this so true?! I just look at someone and I’m like “Yep, you got the ‘tism my broski...”

allistic people are like "omg i had no idea you were autistic" meanwhile other autistics can sniff each other out a mile away

autistic person entering a public building: (touches ground) one of my people was here.....

all your stuffed animals love you. they're not sad if they're in a box, or on the floor, or not held/played with as much. they understand. they know that you might need another stuffie more, or that you don't have enough space. they're just happy to be with you, and if you ever give them away, they'll be happy there too. stuffies are for comfort. they understand. they love you too. it's okay.

Overload...

One of the best things about college to me is just showing up early to get a good seat away from people and pick where I sit. I love being able to sit away from the flickering bright white lights that loom over the students, yet being able to sit away from windows and distractions that might interfere with my studies. With all these great things soon comes misery though...the seat I pick always ends up having someone trying to sit near me so I have to set my backpack on the chair next to me and sit in the corner if possible. I fear people might think I'm rude, but the noises of others clicking away on computers, talking to their neighbors, smells, and any small noises or motions they make just tend to bother my sensory issues. I have severe sensory issues due to my autism and sensory processing disorder so I go into a meltdown almost every time I show up to class. I love school and learning as it's my special interest and always has been. The ability for me to expand my knowledge in any way possible makes me happy and want to flap my hands around. I just wish people were more considerate and I didn't have to wear headphones just to exist in normal environments. School is great, yet extremely hard and I always miss classes sometimes. I tried online school, but it's hard for me to focus and stay attentive in class. I'd rather sleep through it instead which is a huge issue. I don't know, I just feel as if I need to let out some of my issues and get them off my chest in order to sit through this next class. Sorry if I come off as rude, I don't mean to. I just am struggling so much lately to just exist. I want to curl up in a ball and hide away from society until people acknowledge that those with disabilities can and will be in professional settings too so we need to make things to accommodate them.

I feel like half my body needs to be soaked in ice while the other half covered in heating pads…just the issues of chronic pain ⋋_⋌

Something that a lot of people don’t realize is that once you get even the most shy, introverted history major talking about their favorite area of history they will talk for hours if you let them. 

Most of the history majors that I know have one or two periods/families/people that they are intensely interested in. If you attempt to tell them that it’s boring or doesn’t matter they will fight you and proceed to inform you of how it provides context for such and such historical event, power dynamic, movement, or invention. Even just imagining someone telling me that history is irrelevant makes me want to argue about why it’s useful, relevant, and important and what skills you can learn from studying it.

I think that this is also  true for most people that are interested in a history related field.