"Woh Ajab Ghadi Thi Main Jis Ghadi, Liya Dars Nuskha-e-ishq Ka, Ki Kitab Aql Ki Taaq Par, Jyun Dhari

Sending love and light. Your posts make it seem you are going through a hard time. I hope it gets better soon🫂

We all are going through something, I just prefer to put it into words. Most of my writings are from my previous experiences, I just keep revisiting my memories, finding emotions I can put into words, thus making my pen borrow my pain.

Rest assured, I am doing better :)

&

thank you for your love, thank you for your care 🩷

میرے کمرے کو سجانے کی تمنا ہے تمہیں

میرے کمرے میں کتابوں کے سوا کچھ بھی نہیں

- جون ایلیا

मेरे कमरे को सजाने की तमन्ना है तुम्हारी,

मेरे कमरे में किताबों के सिवा कुछ भी नहीं ।

- जौन एलिया

Image taken from pinterest

शून्य

शून्य में देखना..

ये शब्द मुझे काफ़ी प्रशिद्ध दार्शनिक Nietzsche के एक कथन की याद दिलाते है:

“Battle not with monsters, lest ye become a monster, and if you gaze into the abyss, the abyss gazes also into you.”

हालाकि यहाँ पर शून्य की बात नहीं अंधकार की बात हो रही है. लेकिन क्या शून्य और अंधकार एक जैसे नहीं है? अंधकार प्रकाश की कमी है और शून्य एहसास की कमी ।

मुझे दर्शन शास्त्र के बारे में इतना तो नहीं पता, लेकिन इतना तो पता है कि शून्य का एहसास काफ़ी शांत और संतोषजनक होता है। कुछ ना महसूस कर पाना भी एक एहसास है । शून्य की कोई परिभाषा तो नहीं, ना ही कोई अकार है । बस जब आपका शरीर और मस्तिष्क को एक ऐसी शांति का अनुभव हो जो कुछ ना करने से मिल रही हो, जो बिलकुल स्थिर हो।

हालाकि शून्य काफ़ी संतोषजनक होता लेकिन यह अनुभव की प्राप्ति की लत जब किसी को लग जाती तो वह इंसान शून्य में ही शांति और सुख पाने लगता है, हमे समझना चाहिए कि शून्य एक अनुभूति विहीन आयाम है और उस आयाम में ही सुख पाना एक paradox से कम नहीं ।

Nietzsche के कथन और ऊपर लिखित अनुछेद पर वापस ध्यान देने पर शून्य और अंधकार का संबंध और गहरा होता है । शून्य और अंधकार दोनों में ज़्यादा समय व्यतीत करने से वह हमे अपने जैसा बना देते हैं। अंधकार हमें विवेकहीन और क्रूर बनाता है, वहीं शून्य हमें संवेदनहीन और खोखला बना देता है।

(शून्य शब्द का उपयोग यहाँ "void" के लिए हुआ है)

~ Necromancer

study for 15 minutes, listen to music for 20 minutes while staring at the wall pondering the existence of life, repeat

I have read books after books, seen series after series, listened songs after songs. nothing, just nothing moves me anymore.

I have stopped caring about myself, my beard is unkempt, hell I don't even know how long it has grown. I don't even remember when was last time I looked at myself in mirror. I just do not want to look into my eyes anymore, what will I answer to my reflection? Who am I? What have I become? the existential dread I have is far more greater than my willingness for self care.

How long is my hair? when was the last time I had a haircut? Why do I feel no love? for myself, for others? I can't help but think about Gregor Samsa, how he must have felt when he turned into a bug, to not able to associate with your body, not able to recognize yourself, not able to care about yourself. How did he feel when none of his family members cared about him, the ones he expected some amount of sympathy were the ones who were the very first to abandoned him. How did it felt to be different? in the most unwanted way.

Maybe I know, No, I am not a bug, or some character from Kafka's dreadful fantasies but I have known all those feelings at some point of my life, those situation which make you stop and think, am I real or some figment of Kafka's stories?

Have you ever felt a moment where all eyes were on you and you felt like you were the oddest one of all humans which exist on this earth? If yes, you definitely know how it feels to be in my situation, this constant paranoia of my life which keeps on asking me to put a facade on my face is the reason I am always on the edge looking for a way to jump out of my skin and crawl underneath a chair just like Gregor.

I would be normal one day, I will look into my eyes someday. Hope it is not like Gregor.

(Image taken from Pinterest)

˜ Necromancer

I once dreamed I was a butterfly, and now I no longer know whether I am person, who dreamed I was a butterfly, or whether I am butterfly dreaming that I am a person.

~ Chuang-tzu

Winters are cold, just like her heart to me,unforgiving and unremitting 💙

گھر تھی وہ ہمارا، انسان سے گھر تو دور جا سکتا ہے، لیکن انسان

کے دل سے نہیں

घर थी वो हमारा, इंसान से घर तो दूर जा सकता है, लेकिन इंसान के दिल से नहीं ।

~ Necromancer

Image taken from Pinterest

if you see someone being interrupted in a conversation, acknowledge them, don’t let them be pushed to the side. if you see someone lagging behind, walk beside them. if someone is being ignored, take the step to include them. always remind people of their worth. it hurts when it feels like you’re being forgotten. that small gesture can mean a lot.

as you touched my hands, my heart was in million of pieces already, I knew you hurt me, I knew it was you who broke it in pieces, but still I was picking each piece with my bare hands, while I bled, still I was picking them up only to write your name once again, I was not collecting my pieces to heal it, I was collecting them to give it to you again, maybe it was my sadistic need to be broken by you again and again.

my lips trembled your name, uttering "I love you" again and again, you stood there responding to my plea to be killed by you again with a heartfelt smile like a butcher feeding his fowls before slaughtering them...

Maybe people will call me fool for not letting you go, but what is a love which doesn't put a knife through your heart, leaves you bleeding on the floor, while watching blood gushing out of your heart, and crying with a wretched smile hiding underneath, it's the pain, the sheer agony which excites this feeling of love.

~ Necromancer