I Once Dreamed I Was A Butterfly, And Now I No Longer Know Whether I Am Person, Who Dreamed I Was A Butterfly,

Winters are cold, just like her heart to me,unforgiving and unremitting 💙

as you touched my hands, my heart was in million of pieces already, I knew you hurt me, I knew it was you who broke it in pieces, but still I was picking each piece with my bare hands, while I bled, still I was picking them up only to write your name once again, I was not collecting my pieces to heal it, I was collecting them to give it to you again, maybe it was my sadistic need to be broken by you again and again.

my lips trembled your name, uttering "I love you" again and again, you stood there responding to my plea to be killed by you again with a heartfelt smile like a butcher feeding his fowls before slaughtering them...

Maybe people will call me fool for not letting you go, but what is a love which doesn't put a knife through your heart, leaves you bleeding on the floor, while watching blood gushing out of your heart, and crying with a wretched smile hiding underneath, it's the pain, the sheer agony which excites this feeling of love.

~ Necromancer

And one day, she also decided to leave.. I did not ask for an explanation this time, I was tired of asking people to stay. I have made peace with people going away.. holding on hurts, letting go hurts.

"Maybe one day", I am no longer waiting for that one day.. once gone, people never return, me having expectations puts a hole, only in my heart.

"People never return" or maybe I have fallen for wrong people all along?

Image taken from pinterest

~ Necromancer

I am afraid of approaching someone now,

it was easier for me back when I was in school because we all basically had same lives, same cities, houses close by, smaller, similar circle of friends. even in college it was easier to catch up with whatever happened back in someone’s school days, we all shared similar school time tales, traumas, break up stories.

Approaching someone in adulthood is just like collision of two worlds (though it is true for all relationships be it school, college, work or any other stream of life), it all seems so overwhelming. The sheer aspect that another person has a different life altogether since last some 20 something years, they will be having completely different friend groups, so many life events, so many trauma. I do agree that humans are so beautiful when they’ve stories to tell and it is the beauty of randomness of everyone’s life that makes them unique.

Along with that there is a constant anxiety that time is slowly slipping away from you, as the later 20s creep in on you, this anxiety slowly grows bigger and bigger taking shape of a big question mark on yourself.

was I never enough? Will I ever find love? Am I supposed to be like this forever? Do I even deserve someone’s love?

The cycle of self doubt never ends.

As kafka said,

There are times when I am convinced I am unfit for any human relationship.

(Image taken from pinterest)

~ Necromancer

"Woh ajab ghadi thi main jis ghadi, liya dars nuskha-e-ishq ka, ki kitab aql ki taaq par, jyun dhari thi tyun hi dhari rahi"

~ Siraj Aurangabadi from Khabar-e-tahayyur-e-ishq

Siraj here very beautifully explains how, when one falls in love, i.e., "takes lessons of love" (dars nushka-e-ishq ka) leaves all rationality behind, the passion behind love is something which blinds them, the fire burning within them is so bright that they cannot see or know what is wrong and what is right.

He says he didn't know when it happened and didn't know what was happening. It was a weird time when it happened (woh ajab ghadi thi main jis ghadi...), he was so blinded by love that all the rationality was neutralized by the beauty of love.

the moment one falls in love, the intellect, or the reasoning (kitab aql ki) starts staying in a old dusty corner of the mind (taaq par), slowly collecting dust (jyun dhari thi tyun hi dhari rahi).

(image taken from pinterest)

~ Necromancer

گھر تھی وہ ہمارا، انسان سے گھر تو دور جا سکتا ہے، لیکن انسان

کے دل سے نہیں

घर थी वो हमारा, इंसान से घर तो दूर जा सकता है, लेकिन इंसान के दिल से नहीं ।

~ Necromancer

Image taken from Pinterest

میرے کمرے کو سجانے کی تمنا ہے تمہیں

میرے کمرے میں کتابوں کے سوا کچھ بھی نہیں

- جون ایلیا

मेरे कमरे को सजाने की तमन्ना है तुम्हारी,

मेरे कमरे में किताबों के सिवा कुछ भी नहीं ।

- जौन एलिया

Image taken from pinterest

Damn…

Damn…

rb if you are about to lose your shit, have already lost your shit, or support people who lose their shit

Apparently when you leave home for the first time, you leave forever, the home you return to isn't the home you left behind.

I can't see my life how I understand it is, the present feels so untainted and fresh as if it's a memory of someone with poor memory, brought to life again by a strange fragrance, a sound from a movie, and

The most noticeable emotion of all is just loneliness, the gap between the individual and everything that isn't the individual is so vast that even light is taking a bit long to reach.

I stand at the station waiting for the train, in the cold, the fog, the rain, everyone else has gone home, maybe so has the train, everyone else but me.