Entry #17, 9/15/19

Entry #4

It's still very warm, but not too hot. The weather app I use says it'll be around 19° at 3 am, so I guess I'll be able to sleep. At least it's colder than the nights before, and it's supposed to get colder over the next couple of days.

My best friend (the girl, let's call her... Sophie) has a doctor's appointment today, so she couldn't answer me until now.

I had the day for myself. I was writing in my diary a lot, just going through the people that are dropping out of my class or out of my school completely, the ones that are new, etc. There's no big difference, but we will have a new student. How about we refer to him as Justin for now? As I said, he'll be a new ''member'' of my class, and I really hope he's a nice dude. All of the other guys are just such imbiciles at times. Most of them hate me, some just can't stand me, and there may be a few that kinda like me, but wouldn't talk to me alone. So my hopes are high that he's actually someone reasonable. We'll also get new teachers. Nice ones, hopefully. Maybe I'll get back my old french teacher; he was way better at teaching than the one we have now is. Or had before vacation started. I also dislike my German and Math teachers a lot. They are both pretty annoying, and don't give a floop if you need help or not. ''YoU cOuLd HaVe LiStEnEd WhEn I wAs ExPlAiNiNg It'' too bad they both can't explain for shi-

Anyways. I think I should give some important people in my life names... so here goes.

Best friend (male): Pesto (that's his actual nickname.)

Best friend (female): Sophie

New student (male): Justin

Teachers: Imma start with that when I know for sure which teachers I have

My mother: Mom or Mum (too lazy to think of a name)

My oldest sister: Jessica

My older sister: Silvia

My younger sister: Lou

That's everything that matters for now. Maybe I'll add some people later.

Have a good one! ^^

Entry #23, 11/12/19

Hello. Before I start today’s entry, I want to let you all know that my Wifi at home has been turned off. The Tumblr app on my phone has this weird pop-up bug, so that’s unfortunately not an alternative. I’m very sorry, and I hope you understand.

Anyways, onto the real deal: my day has been mediocre. I was in school, so that was one of the bad things, but at the same time I have been at my therapist’s, that was the only good thing. Apart from the fact that I can update, of course. I almost had to give a presentation to my class. Thankfully my teacher talked for too long, and it had to be cancelled. Unfortunately, the next date to do so will be on Thursday, so I’ll have to do it there. But since it leaves me with more time to practice my text, I am not complaining.

Next week, my sister, my mother and I will be going on vacation. We’re visiting a small island on the north-eastern end of Germany. I’ve been planning this for years, and now that it’s finally here... I am not fully realizing it. I know that it’ll happen, but my mind kind of... didn’t settle on it yet? (Does that make sense?) Nonetheless, I am still looking forward on being there. I love the sea, and even though I don’t really like going shopping, I still saved quite an amount of money. At least it’s a lot for me, but there are probably people that it’s nothing to. But I’m proud of myself for actually saving and not going out to spend it once I had a certain amount.

That’s it from me. Have a wonderful time until I can next update!

Yours truly,

Mary

Entry #27, 12/15/19

Hey there! I’ve decided to make this blog a little more colorful, and be less... monotone, I guess you could say? I’m still the same old me, just with more fun writing and not trying to hold things ‘‘Sterile’‘ and boring. (You gotta be true to yourself! ^^)

Anyways! It’s been way too long since I last updated, and I am really sorry. I’m back home, yay? Nonetheless, I shall inform you about what happened in the last week there. (Luckily, I wrote most of it down in my diary, so it’s easier for me to give you a little summary! ^^) If this post gets too long, I’ll split it in two parts so it’s not as hard to read. :3

So... on the last day I updated, the 30th of november, I actually went swimming with a friend I made there after I finished the post. I went with the girl and her family, just so I didn’t have to go with mine ^^° It was okay, apart from the fact that I can’t really swim... We still had a good time tho, because the water wasn’t even deep enough to properly swim. (It went to maybe my neck, but not higher, soooo...) The day after that, I went into the city. On the way back to my ‘‘room’‘, a couple of younger girls from my group came up to me and asked about Raph. (>>Do you liiiiiikeeee hiiiiimmmm?~<<) I laughed it off, and when I said >>yeah, he’s a cool dude.<< they just skipped/ran away giggling. Isn’t that cute?~ XD

That night, just before I wanted to go to bed, a thought entered my mind. >>Since you hate your school/classmates so much, why don’t you just change schools?<< After I thought about it for a while, I started looking up gymnasium schools (the highest grade of school you can go to for middle and high school here in Germany, for the ‘’smart and talented’‘ kids. I’m still not sure how I was accepted XD) near my hometown. There were actually quite a few, even good ones, but one in particular caught my eye. I just recently found out that it’s a private school, but at the time I was convinced that it was the best choice I had. I didn’t know how to confront my mother about this, tho, so I just waited for the right moment.

The day after, everything was going like normal, until the ‘‘therapy’‘-thingy started. The theme of the day was ‘‘partner massage’‘, and guess who my partner was? That’s right, the one and only Raph. He was first to massage me (under the guidance of Yuri, the caretaker that always did the ‘‘relaxing therapy’‘), and BOY does he know how to use his hands properly! so there I was, laying in heaven, not wanting that moment to ever end... but unfortunately everything has to end someday. So it was my turn to massage him, and with my baby hands and shyness I barely pressed down on him. He told me to be more aggressive a couple of times, trying to make me feel confident.

He didn’t succeed. XD

I went on, trying not to hurt him or press the wrong spots, until... ah, I need to cut this off here. I’ll be back in a bit, seeya!

Entry #6

Pesto got together with his crush! After one and a half years of trying, he finally managed to win her over. I'm so proud of him! Now I'll just hope she makes him happy.

It's still really warm, but I'm able to sleep so it's fine, I guess.

Otherwise, nothing happened. Bao!

I'm so very sorry to announce that I, Mary, am starting to watch ''a lot'' of shows and animes lately. My apologies.

Entry #21, 22/10/19

Apologies for my inactivity. I was at my big sister's place, and for obvious reasons I had no time to keep you updated.

Now that that's all cleared up... I have news. I got alcohol markers today! (From Touch, if anyone's wondering.) They're my first ones, and I of course already tried them out. I'll show you the result in the following post, maybe I'll publish all the pictures I took (from sketch to shading). Depends on if I want to or not. I personally think it turned out alright for my first attempt, and the fact that I was kinda experimenting with the thickness of the fineliner and the darkness of the shadows. I'm actually surprised I got the sketch not to look like absolute garbage, unlike normally.

I've decided to question my friendship with Pesto. He made fun of my interests (especially watching Anime and reading Warrior Cats), always tries to make me stay in a call with him by saying

You're just going because you don't like me.

Even after I said I'm tired. I immediately thought of it as toxic behavior, but ignored it, not noticing how much I wanted to avoid any conversation.

Yep, that's pretty much everything that has happened.

I'll see you around!

-Mary

Entry #26, 11/30/19

Greetings, void. I know, it’s been more than a week. Nonetheless, I want to give you a little summary of what I’ve been up to.

As I may have said, it was my birthday on the 23.11, the same day as Raph. That day was a Saturday, so I couldn’t congratulate him there. But the next Monday, I worked up the courage to talk to him and do it there. He thanked me; he sounded way nicer than I imagined. After that, we started talking a little. This now extended to the point where we mainly spend our time with each other rather than the other kids there. His little brother is still sticking around, and that is perfectly fine, he’s fun to be with. Whenever he’s not there, though, our talks get... pretty personal. He told me about a girl he liked a few months ago, and how he tried to get together with her, but he didn’t succeed. I don’t know if I should see that as a sign of trust or a sign of being in the friendzone, honestly. I mean we get along perfectly fine, his brother once slipped up a little about Raph caring about me, and we got really close, but... I’m still not sure if he does like me that way. This is only a vacation-crush anyway; ‘‘See where it leads and have a few experiences more, maybe think about it when you’re awake late at night.’‘ But I still do like him. He’s actually very caring and nice when you get to know him, and with the ‘‘I hate people’‘ thing, he meant that he rather is by himself than with others. But he actually seems to appreciate my presence. He waits for me and doesn’t just walk off, let’s me finish my sentences, etc etc. So all in all, a real nice guy. I’m thrilled to see where it goes, if it even goes any further.

And that is basically all that happened. I know, it’s not much, but I can’t change the fact my life is boring. Goodbye and goodnight!

-Mary

Yes, yes it is.

Entry #31, 25/1/20

Heya, dear void! How’s it going? ^^ I thought I’d just quickly let you know about some stuff that happened recently, since it’s kinda important to understand the possible action that will be taken throughout the next few months.

Last Friday (17/1/20), I had a ‘meeting’ with my current school’s principal. He asked me why I wanted to change schools, why I thought I didn’t belong in the class and how my mental health was involved in the whole thing. At the start, he didn’t seem very fond of the idea, but was open to what I had to say. I thought h would say ‘no’, or try to keep me from doing it, but at the end of the whole thing he told me that he’d support me and even let me come back if the new school was worse.

After the meet-up, I told my mother that we had his approval, and she spoke to the school I want to change to. The teachers had a meeting where they discussed the situation, and if they had room for a new student. Everything depends on that, and if they decide that I would be too much, everything I did would have been a complete waste of time. But before I can officially change schools, I need to check out what the routine is like, anyways, so I can get a better picture of what it’ll be like, because right now I have no information about the schedule and stuff like that. Heck, I don’t even know when school starts! (My current starts at 7:40, ends at 12:45, and I’m usually home at about 13:20.) Ah, whatever. As for now I can’t do anything but wait anyways. Wish me luck...

~Mary

Entry #22, part 2

And of course I forgot something. The whole ‘‘Pesto’‘ situation. Long story short, I confronted him, he told me that ‘‘If I wasn’t going to accept him the way he is, I should block him/ stop talking to him.’‘ For your information, I asked him to stop insulting the things I like to spend time on, he said ‘‘BuT iT’s SaRcAsM’‘ and that he ‘‘wouldn’t change himself for me’‘.

>>You’re being kinda rude, please stop<<

>>Oh so you don’t accept me for the person I am? I won’t change my way of talking. What makes you think I would? Just because you told me multiple times that I’m hurting your feelings and that I’m making you question your whole exsistence?<<

May I just quickly say this: he told me that pride flags are bullsh-, because only countries need flags. He made me, I’d even say forced me to throw away a bookmark I made by hand, with a lot of effort and love put into it, just because it had the Gay and Bi pride flag on it (each has their own side, so one side of it is rainbow colored and the other pink, purple and blue). I didn’t actually throw it away, I just put it somewhere I knew I’d find it later, and I’m currently using it again.

Needless to say, I wished him a long and happy life, and blocked him on every social media, including discord, but forgot to block his actual number, and he texted me a few minutes after, saying:

>>Great that you thought of doing this for longer and not telling me about it. For your information, no, I won’t have neither a happy nor a long life.<<

I explained that basically telling me he’d kill himself wouldn’t change my mind, that that’s just toxic of him to say and that I’ve made up my mind. I said my goodbyes once again, and lastly blocked him there too.

I’ve always been supportive, no matter what he did. I reassured him it was going to be fine, helped him to deepen the bond between him and a girl he liked/s, prevented him from comitting suicide and tried to be as good of a friend as I could be. Now, I’m just asking myself if I made him behave like that. Maybe he just copied my behavior? What if he lied to me, and I was actually a horrible person towards him? What if I was the toxic one in the friendship?

I’ll think about this and maybe update later on, I don’t know about it though. We’ll see. Anyways, thank you for letting me vent like this. I’ll see you soon, goodbye.