Entry #34, 1/29/25, Very Short

Entry #27, part 2

...until Yuri told us we were allowed to massage each others freely and as we wanted to. Raph asked me, if I wanted him to go on and take care of my shoulders, and of course I said yes. I mean, why should I miss out on a free relaxing program? XD As he was moving his hands along my back and shoulders, I closed my eyes and just listened to all of the sounds the kids around us made. Suddenly, I heard Yuri say my name, and that’s when I started to listen to her. >>... and Mary looks like she’s having the time of her life.<< HELL YEAH I WAS! It was so relaxing to have someone who genuinely cares about you sitting behind you... and so strangely unfamiliar, too. I don’t know, I guess I should find more people who care about me.

That afternoon, we met up again. But that time I needed help with math, and since he mentioned that he was good at it and we got along just fine (if you get the reference you get bonus points), I decided to ask him to help me. And he did! After we finished, we talked about music, and somehow drifted off, which led to him... hugging me. He. Hugged. Me. I cannot put into words how wanted I felt at that moment. More than I have for a very, very long time. Though, sadly I didn’t feel much... Anyways. About an hour after that, he went ‘home’. I accompanied him, and when we parted ways, we hugged again.

On the 3rd, Raph’s little brother and the little sister from a friend of mine thought it would be funny to push Raph’s and my head together as to make us kiss.

...it didn’t work. XD

Nothing else happened, until I was going for a walk on the beach at night. It was about.. 7 pm, and already dark outside. The clouds hung heavy in the sky, hiding the stars and the moon, tainting the sea a deep, dark brown-ish black. The horizon itself was a fulfilling black, turning lighter the higher one looked at the clouds. I adored the sight. As I went, I talked to myself like I usually do. That eventually led to me crying, becoming aware of how absolutely useless I was to everyone around me, how much I disappointed the ones that cared about me in a seemingly whole other world, a timeline long forgotten... and I may have let myself go too much. I cried like I haven’t in a long, long, long time. I don’t know if it was good to let out my feelings or stupid because someone could possibly have listened to my sobbing... normally, if I do cry, I cry in company of someone I trust or care about. And up until that day, I was physically not able to. I don’t know why, but I could never cry on my own. There always had to be someone. But maybe... I didn’t feel alone that night? Maybe I felt as if someone was with me, even when they were not physically there? I don’t know, and I don’t think I’ll find out any time soon, but it’s definitely worth thinking about.

On the 4th, me and Raph went to the beach together at night. The stars were shining brightly, brighter than I’ve ever seen them sparkle, the moon was more beautiful than I had it in mind... everything just seemed a lot brighter and better. We talked for about an hour, then his mother told him to come back to their room. I loved having him as my company. Even if it was very cold, I was determined to stay with him. And so I did. I even stayed on the bench a few minutes after he left, talking to myself again. But soon, it was too cold, so I went up to my room, too.

The 5th, 6th, 7th and 8th went without any notable events.

The 9th, though, was a good day for me. First, we went to a sports hall to do some sports. After that, we went back to the ‘daycare‘ and me and Raph just kinda... started cuddling? It was really nice, and time was going by way too fast, until... my commitment phobia kicked in. (I should probably tell you that I have commitment issues due to my HoRrIbLe past) I ignored it, tho, so I kinda forced myself into being happy, or feel comfortable... buuut that actually did the exact opposite. I felt pretty uncomfortable, but I ignored that too, so I could try and just let myself fall into the embrace, I guess? Honestly, I don’t regret it. I think I needed the cuddling, the intimacy towards another person. Something that I noticed was that he seemed very calm and relaxed. I think he enjoyed himself, too.

The next day was just stressful. I had to travel back home with ___ and my sister, and of course the two fought a lot. Anyways, that was the rest of my ‘vacation’. More information on what and how I’ve been doing for the past week in the next entry!

Mary out!~

Entry #17, 9/15/19

Ah, my big sis just asked if we were home. I don't know why, I just kind of... get uncomfortable talking to her. It's more of a forced niceness, I don't really trust her... she's asking a lot of questions, too. I mean yes, it's okay to ask, but she's just so... blunt about it. And she wants to know everything. Not just some things, no, every information there might be. And I can't tell anyone near me about this because they'll judge me. ''She just cares about you'' ''stop being so sensitive'' ''she just wants to be up to date'', heard it all before. On other occasions, that is, since I never told anyone about this. And I feel way better now I got this off my chest... emotions are such a weird thing, aren't they?

I don't get the whole point of emotions. They say ''the positive emotions you feel make life worth living''. Does that mean my life isn't worth living? I mean, they don't bring anything but pain and suffering, right? Ugh, I'm such an uneducated potato when it comes to things like this... I just don't get the whole point. Think about it, then tell me what you came up with. I'm curious to hear what others think.

Anyways, to the events of the past few days. Yesterday and the day before that I was outside, for at least three hours each day. It was fun being outside, away from everyone. I went to the fields nearby, watched the sun slowly but surely set over the woods, it was just so... beautiful... I love that place, and I'll definitely go again some time soon!

That was all. Goodbye!

Entry #1

So... well I'm just going to start this blog as a kind of second diary, and since no one will ever even find this, I'm currently asking myself ''well why the hell not?''. So here I go...

Some background information first:

-Female

-Sexuality: questioning, but probably either bi or pan

-German

-No, I do not drink beer for every meal. In fact, I'm against drinking and smoking, but I don't give a floop if you do either or both

-I really don't care what other people do or like or think or whatever

-Except for anti-vaxxers and homophobes. Why, humans, why???

-I like Hamilton and Creepypasta, both a whole lot.

So, now that that's done... I guess I can start with the blog?

Alright. It's summer vacation, I'm basically in my room all day, talking to a friend or two...But today, I had to leave my comfy bed :( I went to the store, and I wasn't really expecting any heat at all, since it was quite cold in the part of Germland I live in, but of course the sun had to kill everything in a 100 kilometer radius. So it was flaming hot outside, and everyone I passed by looked either pissed or exhausted asf. When I came back from the store though, it just got way hotter, so I decided to lay in my bed and check whatever social media like the lazy ''person'' I am.

I'm also really hyped about finishing my diary. I have another one ''waiting'', so I can't wait to start that one. I did write a lot in it today, because I was so bored.

I also started drawing my OC Sophie, cuz why not? Not like I had anything better to do, anyways.

So yeah, that was my day. I'll maybe write again tomorrow, or just when something happens.

Entry #4

It's still very warm, but not too hot. The weather app I use says it'll be around 19° at 3 am, so I guess I'll be able to sleep. At least it's colder than the nights before, and it's supposed to get colder over the next couple of days.

My best friend (the girl, let's call her... Sophie) has a doctor's appointment today, so she couldn't answer me until now.

I had the day for myself. I was writing in my diary a lot, just going through the people that are dropping out of my class or out of my school completely, the ones that are new, etc. There's no big difference, but we will have a new student. How about we refer to him as Justin for now? As I said, he'll be a new ''member'' of my class, and I really hope he's a nice dude. All of the other guys are just such imbiciles at times. Most of them hate me, some just can't stand me, and there may be a few that kinda like me, but wouldn't talk to me alone. So my hopes are high that he's actually someone reasonable. We'll also get new teachers. Nice ones, hopefully. Maybe I'll get back my old french teacher; he was way better at teaching than the one we have now is. Or had before vacation started. I also dislike my German and Math teachers a lot. They are both pretty annoying, and don't give a floop if you need help or not. ''YoU cOuLd HaVe LiStEnEd WhEn I wAs ExPlAiNiNg It'' too bad they both can't explain for shi-

Anyways. I think I should give some important people in my life names... so here goes.

Best friend (male): Pesto (that's his actual nickname.)

Best friend (female): Sophie

New student (male): Justin

Teachers: Imma start with that when I know for sure which teachers I have

My mother: Mom or Mum (too lazy to think of a name)

My oldest sister: Jessica

My older sister: Silvia

My younger sister: Lou

That's everything that matters for now. Maybe I'll add some people later.

Have a good one! ^^

Entry #9, 8/7/19

I've finished Diary nr. 11. Number 12 is fortunately not blank on the inside, and has lines I can write on. I still think it's very pretty.

Pesto's gonna talk to his crush today, and they'll meet up soon. I hope the meetup will lead to more action between them.

Pesto has asked me, if I wanted to translate a script for him, and maybe I'll get the chance to voice act! It'd be awesome! I love voice acting.

Nothing more happened. Goodbye, seeya!

Entry #2

Right now it's 00:16, and way too hot to be comfortable again. A couple of days ago (as I might already have mentioned) it was so cold I could cuddle up, now I can't even have my blanket on my legs without sweating. Wonderful weather in the Land of Bier, or at least in my region.

One of my two best friends is making progress with his crush, so things are looking good for him. I really hope they get together.. he put so much effort into getting her to like him, suttle moves and nothing that could make anyone uncomfortable... they've started talking more, which is absolutely perfect! I myself don't really like his crush, but then again... I've never really talked to her. But after what he told me, I can just hope she treats him right. But for now I'd just say ''as long as he's happy, I'm happy''.

I'll let you (whoever may read this since there is apparently someone who found entry number 1 and liked it... thanks kind stranger ^^) know when something's up, as always. Ciao!

Entry #5

So today, nothing much happened. Sophie couldn't text until about 21 o'clock, and Pesto was busy too. But he sent me the link to his YT-Channel, and up until now he has three videos. One of which being a recorded stream of the game ''Outlast''. Since I really, really enjoy psychic-horror games, I jumped riiiight in. But I'm also paranoid when I watch let's plays like that, so I was excited but terrified at the same time.

The weather didn't change that much. It got a little colder tho, so I guess that's good.

Jesus... I can hear my neighbor snoring, and he lives an apartment over me. I can hear him loud. And clear.

... how does his family put up with that???

Anyways... nothing else really happened. Goodnight, sweet dreams!

Entry #21, 22/10/19

Apologies for my inactivity. I was at my big sister's place, and for obvious reasons I had no time to keep you updated.

Now that that's all cleared up... I have news. I got alcohol markers today! (From Touch, if anyone's wondering.) They're my first ones, and I of course already tried them out. I'll show you the result in the following post, maybe I'll publish all the pictures I took (from sketch to shading). Depends on if I want to or not. I personally think it turned out alright for my first attempt, and the fact that I was kinda experimenting with the thickness of the fineliner and the darkness of the shadows. I'm actually surprised I got the sketch not to look like absolute garbage, unlike normally.

I've decided to question my friendship with Pesto. He made fun of my interests (especially watching Anime and reading Warrior Cats), always tries to make me stay in a call with him by saying

You're just going because you don't like me.

Even after I said I'm tired. I immediately thought of it as toxic behavior, but ignored it, not noticing how much I wanted to avoid any conversation.

Yep, that's pretty much everything that has happened.

I'll see you around!

-Mary

Yes, yes it is.

Entry #22, part 2

And of course I forgot something. The whole ‘‘Pesto’‘ situation. Long story short, I confronted him, he told me that ‘‘If I wasn’t going to accept him the way he is, I should block him/ stop talking to him.’‘ For your information, I asked him to stop insulting the things I like to spend time on, he said ‘‘BuT iT’s SaRcAsM’‘ and that he ‘‘wouldn’t change himself for me’‘.

>>You’re being kinda rude, please stop<<

>>Oh so you don’t accept me for the person I am? I won’t change my way of talking. What makes you think I would? Just because you told me multiple times that I’m hurting your feelings and that I’m making you question your whole exsistence?<<

May I just quickly say this: he told me that pride flags are bullsh-, because only countries need flags. He made me, I’d even say forced me to throw away a bookmark I made by hand, with a lot of effort and love put into it, just because it had the Gay and Bi pride flag on it (each has their own side, so one side of it is rainbow colored and the other pink, purple and blue). I didn’t actually throw it away, I just put it somewhere I knew I’d find it later, and I’m currently using it again.

Needless to say, I wished him a long and happy life, and blocked him on every social media, including discord, but forgot to block his actual number, and he texted me a few minutes after, saying:

>>Great that you thought of doing this for longer and not telling me about it. For your information, no, I won’t have neither a happy nor a long life.<<

I explained that basically telling me he’d kill himself wouldn’t change my mind, that that’s just toxic of him to say and that I’ve made up my mind. I said my goodbyes once again, and lastly blocked him there too.

I’ve always been supportive, no matter what he did. I reassured him it was going to be fine, helped him to deepen the bond between him and a girl he liked/s, prevented him from comitting suicide and tried to be as good of a friend as I could be. Now, I’m just asking myself if I made him behave like that. Maybe he just copied my behavior? What if he lied to me, and I was actually a horrible person towards him? What if I was the toxic one in the friendship?

I’ll think about this and maybe update later on, I don’t know about it though. We’ll see. Anyways, thank you for letting me vent like this. I’ll see you soon, goodbye.