“I Love You And Everything Will Be Okay.” -me To Myself

just want to personally say thank you for your avpd posts. they clear a lot up for me and i just feel... validated and secure.

Awwww, this made me smile! I’m so glad they help you Anon. I hope you have a lovely day! ❤️

‘Doing your best’ looks different for everyone, it’s important not to compare yourself to those around you, especially if you’re struggling. Be kind to yourself, and be proud of what you achieve today <3

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Levels of relationship, part 2: Safe people

(Part of my ongoing series of posts on Avoidant Personality Disorder. You can read part 1 of this post here.)

Having a safe person means so much.

When you have a safe person in your life, that relationship becomes really important. Here’s why.

With a safe person, I am welcome. It’s okay to exist.

They’ve demonstrated that they won’t hurt me, even when they have the chance. (They prove this by just literally not doing it, over time.)

They don’t react in the ways that I fear.

They’re consistently kind and supportive of me.

They’re actively considerate of my feelings.

A safe person cares about your feelings.

They really want to know how you feel, and they want to make sure you’re okay. How you feel actually matters to them.

And this is SO important for us -- because with AvPD, we are not good at dealing with our feelings. We’re not good at standing up for them, expressing them -- or even sometimes being aware of them.

So when someone proactively cares about how we feel, and maybe even encourages us (gently!) to open up ... it’s like they’re creating a space where our feelings are OK. It’s OK to have them, and to feel them, and to talk about them. And that’s something I don’t think people with AvPD get to experience much.

This could happen as subtly as you having an anxiety attack, and them acting calm and accepting instead of freaking out. You just get the sense that it’s okay. You’re okay with them.

Because our feelings are “allowed” in a relationship with a safe person, we’re able to let our walls down and let them see who we really are. It may only be a tiny bit of visibility, but it’s often a lot more than we have in any other relationship.

And when they respond positively to our self-revealing, we get emotional affirmation, and we can feel accepted. Which is hugely healing.

When we’re with them, we feel more like a whole person.

That emotional support and acceptance, in fact, is just like what people without AvPD get from their normal relationships.

And that’s why it’s so important to us. We have the same need for acceptance, friendship, and being liked as anyone else -- it’s just so much harder for us to receive it.

So with the rare person who can soften our defenses and let us feel safe being close to them ... that’s a treasure we never take for granted.

A note about dependency

I do think there’s some potential overlap with being dependent on someone (like with DPD or codependency). I became absolutely obsessed with my first safe person, and it wasn’t good for me or for them.

But I also think it's natural to value a “safe person” type relationship very highly, and to want to be close to them, and I don’t think that’s automatically unhealthy. This is just something we need to be aware of, and it’s a good idea to check on boundaries and comfort levels once in a while.

You can have more than one!

Just like people without AvPD can have more than one positive relationship, people with AvPD can have more than one safe person. It’s just equally rare to find a second person you “click” with that way. But there’s nothing automatically exclusive about it, and it can be nice to have more than one person to talk to.

It’s also a spectrum. Each relationship is unique, and it changes a little with every interaction. You might have one safe person who you’ve known for a long time, and then another one you’re still building a relationship with. The important thing is whether you get that sense of emotional support and acceptance from being with them.

And who knows? Eventually, you might just start calling your safe people “close friends” -- because that’s pretty much what they are for us.

tips n tricks for cool kids Add your own tips if you got em!

‘The world is out here celebrating like it’s the end of Return of the Jedi.

That’s because it kind of is.’

(via twitter @RanttMedia)

It eventually gets better, without any sort of explanation; you just wake up one morning and you’re not as upset anymore.

Unknown  (via lucite)

Although don't feel bad if it's been a long time and you're still upset! This is a thing that just happens sometimes; and sometimes it happens after a lot of self work. Either is okay. <3

I’ve been trying this out and it’s been quite helpful 🤗

i saw this post on facebook and i love it tbh. it helps regulate calm deep breathing.

there’s a post in my queue about how to have productive arguments (with your parents, even)

and it got me thinking,

dealing with conflict, and talking to people who (perhaps by definition) disagree with you ... is so so hard and so scary

but / and

it gets so much more ... doable, after you’ve had a few successful experiences.

or even observed someone else succeed in standing up for themselves a few times

it becomes conceivable.

and (this is a thing I’m not sure I can put into words)

realizing, even after the fact, even in a very limited way, that you can make things happen

or that you can change things

or that you can take something that has been a looming, oppressive, guilt-ridden Problem in your Life, and turn it into something that is resolved and stable and no longer a source of stress every day

....... is super empowering. (because! literally! you have power! wow, wait, for real.)

so. yes. just putting this out there:

other ways to experience conflict exist

and, even if you never become fully comfortable disagreeing (or confronting or arguing) with someone,

the way that it currently feels to you (overwhelming, terrifying, surrender-inducing)

is not necessarily the way that it will always feel.

(because, we learn! we grow! and new people teach us new things: new relationships, new ways of being, & of feeling.)

things that are hard, are sometimes still worth doing.

because sometimes you can actually influence what happens ... and not be forced to simply tolerate & adapt to how Everyone Else decides it should be.

it is OK to have opinions! and disagree! it is OK to want things. it is OK to show up, and be visible.

even if in the past, you have learned otherwise, I just want to say:

this is your life, and you are allowed to exist in it.