Incorrect Snape Quotes - Blog Posts

Lily: Yeah I'm LGBT.

Lily: cuLt leader.

Lily: God hates me personally.

Lily: cowBoy hat.

Lily: *sniffles* Trying my best.

*************************OR***********************

Severus: Yeah I'm LGBT.

Severus: cuLt leader.

Severus: God hates me personally.

Severus: cowBoy hat.

Severus: *sniffles* Trying my best.

Lucius, about a fight between Bellatrix and Severus: It scares me how many knives were involved.

Lily: There… weren’t any knives involved though?

Lucius: That’s what scares me.

*************************OR***********************

Narcissa, about a fight between Lily and Severus: It scares me how many knives were involved.

Regulus: There… weren’t any knives involved though?

Narcissa: That’s what scares me.

Lily: *clicks pen*

Severus: *clicks pen in response*

James: Stop that.

Lily: Stop what?

James: You’re talking about me in Morse code!

Lily: Yes, that’s what we doing. In our very limited time, we took a class on a very outdated, very unnecessary form of communication just so we could talk about you in front of you. Congrats, you figured us out!

*later*

Severus, to Remus: That’s actually exactly what we were doing.

Severus: Alright, which one of us is gonna check outside?

Sirius: Not it!

James: Not it!

Severus: ...Neither one of you are as dumb as you lead on to be.

Severus: I'm bored.

Lily: Wanna commit first degree murder?

Severus: Sure!

Remus, hearing them: No- Stop, don't do that! Put that knife down! Put James down!!

Lily: Why are you smiling?

Severus: What? I can’t just be happy?

James: Sirius tripped and fell in the parking lot.

*The squad is over at Narcissa's house*

Lucius: Ohhhh, we each get our own oven?

Narcissa: ... N-No...

Narcissa, laughing: How many ovens do you think I have???

Lucius, motioning to her kitchen: Three, I thought!

Bellatrix: I see a-

Narcissa, motioning to one device: This is a microwave.

Lucius: Oh, well I-

Narcissa: Hey wait wait, actually- hang on- *fiddles with the buttons on the microwave*

Narcissa, amazed: Its got a bake setting!

Regulus: Ohoho, you learn something new every day!

Severus: Do we- Do we roshambo for who gets to pick first?

Narcissa: Now I've just discovered I have more ovens than I thought, we don't have to roshambo nothin!

Narcissa: I am a woman who owns four ovens...

Narcissa, louder and way too happy: I am a woman... who owns FOUR OVENS...

Narcissa: I didn't know I was so rich with ovens...

Lily, pointing to another appliance: Also the toaster oven!

Narcissa:

Lucius: Ohhh, toasty boy! Four- Five ovens!

Narcissa:

Narcissa, fucking ECSTATIC: I AM A WOMAN WHO OWNS FIVE OVENS

Severus: So we're gathered here today for a very special reason and I think you'll all agree with me here.

Severus: And if you don't well then fuck you.

Severus: I'm looking at you, Bellatrix, you jealous mop.

Severus: You read my diary?

Bellatrix: At first I did not know it was your diary. I thought it was a very sad handwritten book.

Bellatrix: No, I don't want to talk about physics! I don't know anything about the laws of physics because they are hard and boring. I simply would like them to behave in a way that is most convenient to ME and MY LIFE! Is that really asking too much?

Severus: Yes, as a matter of fact, it is!

Bellatrix: Well, guess what? Science is stupid bullshit!!

Severus: You take that back!!!

Bellatrix: No. Magic is awesome. Science blows. The end.

Regulus, barging in: Syphilis!

Severus:

Regulus:

Severus: Pardon?

Severus: So what’s for dinner?

Regulus: I can’t tell you, it’s a soup-prise!

Severus: …

Severus: Is it soup?

Regulus: I soup-pose it could be! *winks*

Severus: Please, enough with the soup puns!

Regulus: Wow, you’re soup-per mean.

Severus: STOP!

*one hour later*

Severus: It’s fucking tacos?!?!?!

Severus, with a headache: Advil me up, daddy.

Lily: I will short out the language centre of your brain if you say anything like that ever again.

Lily: Severus, I think we have a problem.

Severus: What, the fire?

Lily: No, the- wait, what fire?

Severus: Oh forget about it, this sounds more interesting.

*******************Reversed Roles*****************

Severus: Lily, I think we have a problem.

Lily: What, the fire?

Severus: No, the- wait, what fire?

Lily: Oh forget about it, this sounds more interesting.

Severus: My future partner must be brave, strong, intelligent, successful and organized.

Remus: *steps on a caterpillar and proceeds to drop to their knees and sob while apologizing profusely*

Severus: That one. I want that one.

Sirius: Are we fighting or flirting?

Severs: I'm pinning you against a wall with my hand around your neck-

Sirius: Your point?

Sirius: I want to wake up with you every day for the rest of our lives.

Severus: I wake up at 4:30 AM every day to brew.

Sirius: I want to see you at some point every day for the rest of our lives.

Severus: James and I are no longer dating.

James: Severus, that’s a horrible way of telling people we’re married.

James: I think we should kiss.

Severus: And I think you should die but we don’t always get what we want.

Severus: Wow, Remus, you want to hold my hand before marriage? How awfully lewd of you.

Remus: We literally slept together yesterday.

Severus: That's NOTHING compared to the lewdness of holding hands.

Narcissa: Do you think you’d actually notice if someone didn’t cast a shadow? Or if their limbs were just slightly too long? Or if they had just a little too many teeth? like how many times have you passed Something on the street and you just didn’t Notice It?

Severus: Stay woke monsterfuckers ur love is out there!!!!!

Narcissa: Yknow what? Not my point at all in any way whatsoever, but I’m glad I could be an inspiration.

Narcissa: Severus...

Severus: Oh no, 'Severus' in b-flat.

Severus: You're disappointed.

Severus: In light of what you did for me, you can hug me for four to five seconds.

Lucius: FORTY FIVE SECONDS?!?

Severus: No! Four to five seconds!

Lucius: Too late!!!

Severus: English is a difficult language. It can be understood through tough thorough thought, though.

Lily: You need to stop.

Severus: I’m gonna need a human skull and I can't have you ask any questions why.

Lily: Only if you also don't ask why

Lily: *Pulls out 7 pristine human skulls* Take your pick.

Severus:

Lily:

Severus: This one is fine

Severus: Lily! My face is on fire!

Lily: Severus! Are you ok?!

Severus: Oh yes, I'm fine. I just said that to make sure you'd come in here quickly.

Lily: But your face is on fire.

Severus: Yes. It's much faster than shaving.

Severus: Fool me once, I’m gonna kill you

Severus: What the hell were you thinking?

Regulus: I heard releasing birds at a wedding is romantic!

Severus: You released OSTRICHES!

Severus: Hey, did you know as a kid I accidentally ate paper?

Narcissa: I feel like we've all done that at least once.

Bellatrix: I ate it too-

Narcissa: See?

Bellatrix:: -On purpose...

Severus & Narcissa: ...What?

Severus: What goes up but never comes down?

Narcissa: The amount of stress you're bringing this family.