Wandanatcarol - Blog Posts

tears over beers

you put too much effort into relationships and the girl you genuinely had feelings for broke your heart, even now after knowing about what she done, your friends still choose her over you.

because of this you relapsed.

and lost yourself again.

until one night three women find you in the woods about to take your life.

TRIGGER WARNING

self harm, suicide attempt, alcoholism, drug use, swearing, past relationship trauma, eating disorder, body dysphoria. (totally not writing just to vent..yes that’s exactly what I’m doing)

IF YOU ARE EASILY TRIGGERED PLEASE DONT READ THIS

(I see you little depressed bitches who are going to ignore this message, if this is you please reach out to me or anyone for that matter, I know what your going through, even if I don’t I will try and help)

tears run down your face, you bring your stained hoodies sleeve up to your crimson coloured cheeks, the once dry, blue hoodie, now damp and a deep blue colour. you wipe the salty tears off of your face.

blurred vision and a bottle of beer in your hand, the tears fall faster than ever, you can almost sense the panic attack that is coming for the 5th time in the past 4 hours.

the thing about you is that when you seriously genuinely like someone, you do anything in your power to keep them.

——

you where 16 and freshly out of a emotionally abusive relationship, first year of college, your time to shine.

two of your closest friends from secondary school managed to stay in the same friend group as you, from that you built a whole new friendship group, different people from your friends classes joined.

about half way through your first year of college you developed feelings for a girl who recently discovered her own sexuality. Through her discovering herself she managed to split the group which was once a big group into two, the other half of the group studied a different course than your side and now the two groups barely talk.

upon telling your best friend about your newfound feelings, she tells you that the girl sees you in the same light as you see her.

a few weeks later the girl you liked and one of your closets friends texted you saying they both had feelings for you. Upon this a massive wave of guilt engulfed your mind. You had liked your close friend for years before when you where both in secondary school yet you still liked this new friend.

you had told them both that you where confused and couldn’t make your decision so soon. Your close friend Em told you to take your time and that if it was her you where willing to choose that she would wait forever for you, on the other hand, your other friend Kai told you that you had to choose and that it wasn’t fair.

you tried so hard to choose but you couldn’t.

once both of them and your best friend wanted to go see the same movie so you invited them all to see it together as it would’ve been easier. To make it even more awkward your younger brother decided to tag along.

during the movie Em held your hand because she recognised your anxiety about the cinema, along with the scary scene that was playing before you, for the next hour, the two of you held hands. Then the same on the bus ride, once Kai left, Em took the opportunity to hold your hand, then kissing it once you reached her stop.

Throughout the rest of the year Kai begged for your attention and love while Em worked for your love.

and guess who you picked

if you thought Em

you thought wrong.

stupidly you picked Kai because Em was at another college and the two of you barely saw each other, whereas even though she never put in effort Kai saw you everyday.

A few month of sharing hoodies and you putting in the most effort to make sure Kai is having a good time while she is going through things, you wanted to ask the question. ‘what are we?’

you ended up asking her through text what she wanted from the talking stage, after that she told you she needed space.

this was the first time she hurt you, broke you even.

you sat on a table alone as your friends went to talk to her, they left all their stuff with you, you sat and silently sobbed while they laughed with her.

Summer finally broke out and you had the girl unadded for the whole time, your friends hung out with her while you were either on holiday or alone in your room reading comic books of super heroes with the dream love story.

Around 2 weeks till college starts she added you again with the plea to start talking again, of course you being a fucking idiot, you said yes because your friends wanted the group to be together again with you being the ‘glue’ of the group.

Your now in second year of college

through the use of the internet you found your diagnosis for depression and the internet keeps saying your neurodivergent.

She would send you relationship posts through tiktok and snapchat, yet the moment you ask for the second time what she wanted from the relationship, she fucked you over again.

But this time worse, she left you on opened before spending a week ignoring you, the friend group fell apart a bit more and you just stayed away as much as you could in fear you’d show yourself crying in front of them.

She eventually messaged you and the two of you stopped talking.

now not even two weeks later, you heard through a good friend that she has already moved on with one of your ex’s who also fucked you over.

In the coming weeks your life fell apart, you can’t find a job, your failing everything you do and your presence at college is near to never

——

your now sat in the woods with a bottle of your pills in your lap, unknowingly of the famed avengers’ new mission in your area.

Three of the avengers are stood watching you from behind you, without your knowledge. Your new apple airpod maxes placed upon your dark curly hair, music blaring.

After a few minutes of them watching you they start to whisper about your state as you pull up your sleeves, cursing at yourself for not bandaging your arms properly, blood runs down your forearms from the deep raging red lines that cover the entirety of your arms.

Upon seeing this you feel a pair of strong arms wrapping around your shoulders, hugging you from behind, you throw your headphones off, putting them on the floor. “Shh I’m here” a raspy Russian voice says while you melt into their hold. Another two people join the hug, “it’s okay detkà we’ve got you” another voice says, this time her voice is hinted with an old Slavic accent, lastly another female says “I’ve got you little one” in an American accent.

part 2