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Psych Ward - Blog Posts
two months ago in psych ward
after my last toxic psychosis… never touching that shit again
hey. got involuntarily admitted for 3 weeks. i won't touch much upon the hell i went through but let's just say i am extremely jaded and bitter and angry. i have a severe bruise on my leg from attacking objects, and some more bruises elsewhere. my knees are further fucked from medical neglect. i was threatened with restraint within hours of arriving. nothing feels real and i keep breaking down in tears.
i just got out today. my bestie picked me up, we hung out, it was cathartic. i was going to be put into inpatient rehab, then i realized i didn't want to be locked up and was just being manipulated. then i tried for respite and outpatient, but respite won't have a bed until after thanksgiving. i'm terrified to even go now because i want to keep what control of my life i have left.
so now i'm home. with my abusive family. no one has seemed happy to see me. only my mom visited me, when i asked her to bring something. my psychiatrist at the ward broke HIPPA and told my mom i'm an addict, who then told my aunt, and now my whole family knows. my father included. i have already abused drugs within half an hour of being home.
i don't even have the option of relaxing in my own room, which i had begun turning into a safe haven, because my family turned it into storage. there is virtually no walking room and it is a massive safety hazard to me. they also killed half my roses, and the others are barely alive. they said they'd take care fo them. fuck my life. fuck all of this.
why is everything i touch dying.
My Kins are genuinely getting scary
Please someone do a psycho analysis on me I need to know what this means
Tw: Failed Suicide attempt, Suicidal thoughts, Self harm (hinted), Abuse of Power, Psych Wards, Implied other forms of Abuse, Severe Mental Illness, Forceful Medication (Mentioned)
My time in the mental hospital wasnt fun. Of course no ones reallly is but regardeless. It wasn‘t necessarily the worst, but i have some horror stories. Like when an adult patient came into the childrens ward becuase he was „still in highschool“ and was loudly argued with and then had to be dragged out by the police. Or when i got put in the bad corner for tapping on the wals during quit time and then when i asked for a pen and paper to write down my feelings ,a coping mechanism we had just talked about in group, i was denied and then was left becuase someone else started having a breakdown and asked to be moved to the other mental illness timeout corner so i was less likely to hurt myself ,literally taking initiative and attempting to do the best for my own mental health, and was then called attention seeking for bothering someone when my fellow patient was having a breakdown (the guy who i was asking permission from was just sitting at a desk). What i hated the most was the fact that i wasn’t allowed to say goodbye to anyone because they took me away during quiet time and when i started arguing they threatened to keep me for another week. Sure i have more stories, there was a nine year old who was both suicidal and homicidal, but guess What? She was nice. She had to be put on paper only gowns, lived in the white room, had to be forcefully fed meds, and had been to that specific hospital 5 times alone, and she treated me with more compassion then any of the nurses did. We were friends, i helped her draw, and she confided in me terrible things she had not told anyone about her home-life because i treated her like a human. I never saw her again. The point to this, above all else, is that this system doesn’t work. I felt just as suicidal as I had before but now I was more scared to tell the truth about that because I didn’t want to go back. The people in power have no one to check that they are actually helping and the patients become inmates more often then not. And I know that ill try and commit again, and i hope to god that i‘ll succeed, because i can not go back there again.